War, what do we stand for?

Last night the boys and I watched Band of Brothers as we usually do on Tuesday nights. Most of the time, I am desensitized to the war and violence. But last night was different.

This night we watched Part 6, depicting Easy Company's experience in the Battle of the Bulge in Bastogne, Belgium. Like many of the other five parts we've watched, it focused on one soldier, a medic as he took care of his fellow soldiers and scrapped together sparse medical supplies. He regularly rushed dying soldiers to the city of Bastogne for better treatment from the frontline. In Bastogne, which was completely cut-off from ally support, a church was filled with soldiers in pain from gun shots and shrapnel wounds. As the episode went on, the medic became more and more detached from the death around him.

In one scene, a young soldier, following the order of his superior, moved forward into an open position. He was shot in the neck. A gun fight ensued as the young man fought for breath and reached out for rescue from his brothers. One shouted to him, yelling at him to hold on and to stop moving (if the Germans saw him moving, they'd keep shooting at him). The soldier laid there, blood flowing out his throat, watching as the other soldiers retreated with no way to get to him. His friends never got back to his body.

Where did we ever learn that killing each other solved anything? When one enemy is killed, won't their collaborators, friends, or family vow to take their place? We send our young men and women to change the hearts of our enemies by dominating them, by forcing them to see our perspective... does that make any sense? Did any of you have a domineering parent? How'd that turn out?

What is wrong with us? We really believe dropping bombs fixes or heals? We really believe sticking a needle in a murderer's arm will give a mother peace? Why can't we treat each other with justice and kindness and mercy? Why in our families do we keep grudges that remain unsaid? Why can't we humble ourselves? Why do we fight for our respect as if we treated others well enough to deserve it? Why do friends become enemies because of a disagreement? Is this how we want to live? Stuck in our ways, with blinders, unyielding in our pursuit of standing up for our principles? Isn't your child, your brother, your mother, your father, your friend, the bus driver, the neighbor more important? Why do we struggle to love? I mean, it's ridiculous. The only thing of any real value in this life gets so clouded by success and money and pride. We are so bad at this stuff. We manipulate instead of serve. We resent instead of reconcile. We lie instead of admit our wrongs. We pursue success rather than justice.

I don't want to live that way. I do, but I don't want to. I don't want to contribute to the world's set ways. And I don't want to grow older and forget this idealistic thinking or believe it to be childish and immature. I don't want to forget and get complacent. I won't.

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. - Martin Luther King Jr., Strength To Love

One Step Back, Two Forward

So we haven't done the whole anecdote update thing in a while so now is as good a time as any... well actually now is the best time... no now!

Pete bought some pants... they are... uh... very tight.  Last weekend we went up to a cabin in the mountains and Kiley got to hike and play outside all day.  But now her hips are incredibly sore and she has basically been bed-ridden for two days.  When she gets up to eat, she stands on only three legs at a time.  Poor pooch.  Mary poured out perfectly good coffee to re-brew a pot of Caribou Coffee (where she works).  Also while we were at the cabin, we were reminiscing about elementary school.  Mary asked if everyone remembered "Learning Rainbow" and since it's called Reading Rainbow, I asked "Do you?"  It was funny... had to be there.  Jeff finally got his limo - he drives it to work, to the store, to the movies, on dates with Katie, everywhere.  It is his car.  He also got a PA system for it so he can sing to drivers and ask them kindly to change lanes if they're going too slow (if you are a police officer, this is a joke). It also is a horn system that will play all your favorite tunes including 50 cent.  Chaz is hairy... but not on his back.  There may or may not have been some cross-dressing this week.

So yesterday I was watching Blood Diamond (great movie and Leonardo DiCaprio is amazing in it - I know he has a bad stigma because of Titanic, but think about his performances in The Gangs of New York, Blood Diamond, and The Departed - "you wanna chop m'up an' feed me ta da puoor?!" - priceless).  So I wrote out this long story about this situation with Katrina and the movie and it was stupid... so I'm just going to keep this part to share my love of DiCaprio with all of you.

Okay, I'm putting the not very funny anecdotal stories on pause to talk about our Monday meeting.  We knew going into the night that it might be emotional and stressful, but I certainly did not expect my own reaction.  I'm not sure how to explain it while still respecting the situation and the house...

By the end of our meeting, I found myself ripped apart by the pain existing in this house right now.  I wanted so bad to support and love and mend and I fear all I ended up doing was the opposite.  I couldn't fix it.  I can't fix it.  I cannot heal.  I can only support someone as they're healed.    

-- I know I'm not being clear on the problem we're dealing with.  I don't know if I ever will be so that I may respect the house's privacy, but I will continue to share the parts I can and the struggles of our hearts and minds -- 

I think maybe some of us or perhaps all of us looked at our current situation in the house and think that if we are having this significant of an issue, then maybe we are failing... Are we?  Or is this something that has to happen?  Can something so painful and dividing be good?  Do steps back mean steps forward?  

Growing up I always heard a saying, "Life's a bitch, and then you die... and life's still a bitch."  Not exactly an up-er.  And not exactly truth.  But sometimes life's solutions aren't the ones we want.  Sometimes life isn't meant to be fought against.  I get this picture in my head of myself in a fast, turbulent river and it is doing everything it can to pull me down its path.  But I am clenching on to this little shrub and the roots are slowly giving way.  It is the only thing keeping me from being carried away by a current I have no control over.  I don't know what to do.  I'm am overwhelmed with fear.  If I reach out with my other hand to grab the shrub tighter, I am sure it will come free.  If I try to use it to pull myself on the embankment, I am sure it will come free.  I am left with a choice.  To let go, give up, and let the current decide my fate, or stay holding onto this unstable shrub.  It may keep me from drowning, but it may never free me.  This is an incredibly difficult choice.  It is my life I'm debating about.  Neither decision is safe.  And with either, my future is unknown.  But the shrub seems more safe than the white rapids rushing passed me, crashing into rocks and rushing over themselves.           

We have to let go.  We have to trust and know that something will see us to the end.  Otherwise, there is no reason to release your grasp.  But I believe rescue awaits anyone who will give up his fight, put his feet in front of him, look up, and let the river float you where it wants. 

Freedom.  

Sink Holes

I don't know how to adequately describe the time in this house or how much the support of this family has meant to me and changed my life. Some of us have called the last three months the honey-moon period. The house is new, the people wonderful, and the neighborhood charming and exciting. No matter what we faced, it seemed inconceivable that the situation would not have a solution. But now we are beginning to see we will be growing with each other in a new way.

Over the last couple weeks things have shifted. Issues in the house and issues with each other that we have not given enough attention to are piling up. Communication, expectations, selfless and proactive service, goals, conflicting lifestyles, priorities, openness and honesty -- these issues continue to come to the forefront of our relationships. How do we confront each other? When do we confront each other? Do we confront each other? How do we connect with the personalities least like ours? How do we actively love in spite of the things that annoy us? When we have so much confusion and difficulty surrounding our personal lives, how do we keep the focus off ourselves? And how do we keep our problems from affecting those relationships?

At the top, on the blog heading, Jeff wrote that this is a "project... trying to be a semi-functional family". So far, we've done pretty well, but this house is at a cross-roads and it's left with a decision. Will we put in the work necessary to invest in each other, support each other, continue to work towards our goals, try to heal the wounds we inflict on each other, and be a genuine loving family, or will we choose the easy route - complacent, surface-level, just some good times, buddies?

I'm not trying to paint a morbid picture of the state of the house, because things on the surface are still going very well. But hidden underneath, are problems that could do a lot of damage and separate us if they are not dealt with. I know the desire of our hearts is to work through this time, to fight for each other and for something bigger and more beautiful than ourselves.