One Step Back, Two Forward

So we haven't done the whole anecdote update thing in a while so now is as good a time as any... well actually now is the best time... no now!

Pete bought some pants... they are... uh... very tight.  Last weekend we went up to a cabin in the mountains and Kiley got to hike and play outside all day.  But now her hips are incredibly sore and she has basically been bed-ridden for two days.  When she gets up to eat, she stands on only three legs at a time.  Poor pooch.  Mary poured out perfectly good coffee to re-brew a pot of Caribou Coffee (where she works).  Also while we were at the cabin, we were reminiscing about elementary school.  Mary asked if everyone remembered "Learning Rainbow" and since it's called Reading Rainbow, I asked "Do you?"  It was funny... had to be there.  Jeff finally got his limo - he drives it to work, to the store, to the movies, on dates with Katie, everywhere.  It is his car.  He also got a PA system for it so he can sing to drivers and ask them kindly to change lanes if they're going too slow (if you are a police officer, this is a joke). It also is a horn system that will play all your favorite tunes including 50 cent.  Chaz is hairy... but not on his back.  There may or may not have been some cross-dressing this week.

So yesterday I was watching Blood Diamond (great movie and Leonardo DiCaprio is amazing in it - I know he has a bad stigma because of Titanic, but think about his performances in The Gangs of New York, Blood Diamond, and The Departed - "you wanna chop m'up an' feed me ta da puoor?!" - priceless).  So I wrote out this long story about this situation with Katrina and the movie and it was stupid... so I'm just going to keep this part to share my love of DiCaprio with all of you.

Okay, I'm putting the not very funny anecdotal stories on pause to talk about our Monday meeting.  We knew going into the night that it might be emotional and stressful, but I certainly did not expect my own reaction.  I'm not sure how to explain it while still respecting the situation and the house...

By the end of our meeting, I found myself ripped apart by the pain existing in this house right now.  I wanted so bad to support and love and mend and I fear all I ended up doing was the opposite.  I couldn't fix it.  I can't fix it.  I cannot heal.  I can only support someone as they're healed.    

-- I know I'm not being clear on the problem we're dealing with.  I don't know if I ever will be so that I may respect the house's privacy, but I will continue to share the parts I can and the struggles of our hearts and minds -- 

I think maybe some of us or perhaps all of us looked at our current situation in the house and think that if we are having this significant of an issue, then maybe we are failing... Are we?  Or is this something that has to happen?  Can something so painful and dividing be good?  Do steps back mean steps forward?  

Growing up I always heard a saying, "Life's a bitch, and then you die... and life's still a bitch."  Not exactly an up-er.  And not exactly truth.  But sometimes life's solutions aren't the ones we want.  Sometimes life isn't meant to be fought against.  I get this picture in my head of myself in a fast, turbulent river and it is doing everything it can to pull me down its path.  But I am clenching on to this little shrub and the roots are slowly giving way.  It is the only thing keeping me from being carried away by a current I have no control over.  I don't know what to do.  I'm am overwhelmed with fear.  If I reach out with my other hand to grab the shrub tighter, I am sure it will come free.  If I try to use it to pull myself on the embankment, I am sure it will come free.  I am left with a choice.  To let go, give up, and let the current decide my fate, or stay holding onto this unstable shrub.  It may keep me from drowning, but it may never free me.  This is an incredibly difficult choice.  It is my life I'm debating about.  Neither decision is safe.  And with either, my future is unknown.  But the shrub seems more safe than the white rapids rushing passed me, crashing into rocks and rushing over themselves.           

We have to let go.  We have to trust and know that something will see us to the end.  Otherwise, there is no reason to release your grasp.  But I believe rescue awaits anyone who will give up his fight, put his feet in front of him, look up, and let the river float you where it wants. 

Freedom.